Pockets of Grief

Grief comes unexpectedly. Most of us recognize this. But sometimes for those of us who are seasoned grievers, we are surprised when the pockets of grief fill. We think we have control over our feelings of longing and yearning for a loved one who had died.

The Christmas tree was up, bright decorations sat on the coffee table, and some hung from shelves. Christmas tunes played as I prepared for our family's Christmas Eve gathering. I put plates of cookies, dates, and cheese on the dining room table.

Then why did a sudden deep sadness fill the kitchen? I felt like my bones had been carved out and sorrow had been pushed into them. This is a cheerful season, I thought. What's wrong with me?

When my son Daniel first died, Christmases were nearly impossible to celebrate. My husband and I took our three young children someplace away from our home so that we did not have to be in the very house where Daniel was missing. The absence of our four-year-old was too much to handle during a time of festivities. I wanted to be able to close my eyes the week before Christmas and not have to deal with any of the celebrations until the week after the new year. But we know that's not possible, and so like other grievers, others who have had to bury a child, I had to learn how to adapt and adjust to the holidays.

It's been 24 years since Daniel's death. So no wonder I was surprised this past Christmas season when I felt overwhelmed with emotion.

Fortunately I had two bereaved parents, friends of mine, to text. I sent each of them separate text messages. They assured me that my grieving was normal. “Accept yourself in your beauty and brokenness,” wrote one.

I know that many people feel discouraged and depressed around the holidays, and that we need to be mindful of the fact that others around us are lonely and aching. Just because they are cheery decorations, family and friends, and even Christmas songs and hymns that speak of joy, doesn’t mean that all feels well.

In this new year you may have moments of sorrow. Don't deny them, acknowledge them. I find that writing helps. A journal or just any old slip of paper and a trusty, comfortable pen are great tools to use as you spend time writing. Write from your pain. Share a happy memory about your loved one. See what develops.

And one more bit of advice that I like to give, advice that has helped me, be sure to buy sturdy and soft tissues. Because when the tears come, our eyes deserve the best.

Grieving the loss of a loved one never leaves. Even when we think we have the pain tucked away, it can arrive unexpectedly. Don’t run from it; embrace it, if you can. We grieve over a person because we love. What a blessing it is to have had this special person (child, parent, friend, spouse) to love on Earth and to continue to love long after he/she is gone.