Daniel’s been gone from Earth for almost 25 years (February 2 is the day he died). Over the years I’ve discovered a multitude of things about grief, about my grieving self— guilt, longing, the lonely hour of 3 AM—and about the way society handles loss.
After a loved one dies, we tend to use the past tense. Instead of I love Daniel, the acceptable thing to say is I loved Daniel. Since Daniel is not living any more, society speaks of him in the past tense. All of the characteristics of him are spoken in past tense, too. Daniel liked to collect stickers; Daniel’s favorite movie was Toy Story, the very first one. He recited jokes from a weathered joke book. He fought bedtime. He had a mischievous smile, especially on the day he went into my desk drawer, took out a self-inking Thank You stamp, and stamped his legs with it.
I know Daniel died. I was there when it happened. I’m not delusional about things, except for when it comes to algebra because that has never made sense to me. I believe that when Daniel took his last earthly breath, his soul arrived in Heaven. He is now in the presence of Jesus, his Savior, whom he learned about in church and through Bible stories from an illustrated book. Daniel still exists; he’s just doesn’t exist here on Earth anymore, except for in our memories.
I loved him while he was my son, for those four short years that I was privileged to be his mama. I still love him, as I love my three adult children who live close by. My love for Daniel has not stopped just because he isn’t with us and I can’t see him open a birthday gift or eat the grilled cheese sandwiches he was fond of enjoying or get his photo taken by the Christmas tree.
I love Daniel. I’ll say it again. I love Daniel. And I invite you to use the present tense when you are talking about the love you hold for your loved one that has passed onto the heavenly eternal.
Even death cannot end the love we have. We don't stop loving a person just because he or she is gone. Love goes on.
5 comments:
Alice this is so true!!
Thinking of you and sending Love and Prayers ❤��
Such an important truth. For the believer it's never goodbye but see you later! I am so thankful that God brought you, and in this way, Daniel, into my life. Love you sweet friend.
You are always able to write what feel in my heart. I'm so grateful to have found you. Our children's lives from how old they were, their adorable blonde heads, the fact they were a sibling to 3 children but one wasn't born yet, how young we were when rhey passed,they were born the same year and died the same week, and our experiences are so similar that every time you write I feel like you are writing exactly what I feel. Thank you! (((Hugs))) from Benjamin's mom to Daniel's mom.
I agree. My grandmother died in 1981 when I was 25. I think I miss her more now than I did then because I was busier then with my young children. As I got to be older I find myself wishing I could talk to her now. I will never stop loving my loved ones who have gone before. It brings tears just writing this. Often this verse comes to mind: "And now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love." 1 Cor. 13:13. Love never dies because God is love. How wonderful that He has shared His love with us in giving us family.
One of the first things that struck me after my daughter Natalie died (25yo, car accident 2019) was the use of past tense language about her. It hurt so badly to hear her referred to in past tense. I was so angry and dumbfounded about this. I even spoke about it to people at the time just to receive blank stares….they didn’t understand how deeply I felt this. She was present, now she’s past - with a snap of a finger, gone. Thank you for understanding and writing about it. I feel seen and less alone.
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