Entering the new year with old memories

Christmas has ended, and the living room still has that unwrapped look. With the festivities now part of future memories, I anticipate the next hurdle----the new year. The TV commercials romanticize champagne toasts illuminated by glowing candles. People start to make resolutions, hopeful that this brand-new unblemished year will be the one that fuels their successes.

For the parent who has lost a child to death, a new year can be daunting. The first New Years' after my son Daniel's death was scary. I wanted to hold onto 1997. Although it was the year he'd lost his battle with cancer and died, it was also the year he'd lived. 1998 would mark the first calendar year without him.

For some reason, the image of an old-fashioned wooden bucket came to me. With this item I heard the word carry. That's it, my newly-bereaved mind said. The key with a new year is to carry the old into it.

So here we are, on the brink of another year, a new decade, with fresh hopes and dreams. A clean slate. There are many things about 2009 I wish to forgive and forget, but I don't want to ever forget my son.

Each year marks a year further from when I last held him, heard his voice, and saw his smile. I yearn to hug him, tell him how much he's grown, and ask him what he'd like for dinner. My heart feels that distinct hollowness and sorrow that belongs to a mother without her child.

But the bucket I have isn't hollow. It is brimming with memories and fondness, warmed with love and laughter; I hold it tightly.

Just as I carried Daniel's four-year-old memories into 1998, now---thirteen years later---I will continue to carry them. And I will do more than just hold them, I'll let them trickle out, forming their own glow, as I share this special boy with my world. "Wasn't it funny when Daniel called adults redults? Do you remember how he gave stickers away in the hospital, and once when bored made a collage out of baby lotion and glitter?"

Daniel lived, he loved, and I believe he continues to live in Heaven.

So, get yourself a sturdy bucket and carry. Boldly carry the memories into the new year. Along the way, give yourself permission to forgive. Let the memories you recall be the brightest ones.

Listen. There is nothing to fear. Listen. Your child's voice can be heard in your heart.

Eleven Tips to Deal with the Holiday Tinsel

That holiday-pang hit my stomach the first October after Daniel died. Greeting me at an arts and craft shop were gold and silver stockings, a Christmas tree draped with turquoise balls and a wreath of pinecones and red berries. What was this? And was “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” playing as well? It was only October.

I had anticipated that Christmas and the holidays would be tough. In fact, I’d wake on those cold mornings after Daniel died in February and be grateful that it was still months until his August birthday and even more months until Christmas. I dreaded living both without him. I would have preferred to have been steeped in cow manure. At least then I could take a hot bath with sweet smelling bubbles and be rid of the stench. But bereavement isn’t that way. As those who had gone on before let me know, you have to live through it.

Christmas came. I did live through it. It continues to happen as do the other significant days of the calendar year. Daniel never arrives at any of them although his memory lives on. By incorporating him into these days of festivity, I can cope.

Some of you have your child’s birthday and/or anniversary day within the November through January season. These days, in addition to the holidays everyone else is celebrating, make the season even more complicated and painful, I’m sure.

I offer eleven tips I’ve used to survive the holidays. Some are my own suggestions and some are borrowed from the many who walk the path of grief.

1. Know you will survive. Others have done it and you will, too. Keep in mind that your first Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Day will not be easy.

2. Find at least one person you can talk to or meet with during the holiday season. Perhaps this person has gone through a few Thanksgivings and Christmases before and can give you some helpful ideas that have worked for her.

3. Things will be different this holiday season and perhaps for all the rest to come. Don’t think you have to do the “traditional” activities of years past when your child was alive. Your energy level is low. If no one in your household minds, skip putting up the tree. Forget spending hours making your holiday cookies.

4. Spend the holidays with those who will let you talk about your child. You will need to have the freedom to say your child’s name and recall memories, if you choose to do so. Your stories about your child are wonderful legacies. Tell them boldly again and again.

5. If going into the mall or stores brings too much pain, shop for gifts online or through mail-order catalogs. Thinking everyone is happily shopping at the malls with intact lives while your heart is crushed is terribly tough. Go easy on yourself.

6. Getting away from the house is an idea that worked for my family. The first Christmas without Daniel we went to a nearby town and lived in the Embassy Suites. The kids enjoyed the indoor pool and breakfast buffets. Christmases that followed were spent at a rented cottage on the shore and the Christmas we rented the beach house, we were able to invite extended family to join us. We all shared in the cooking.

7. Create something to give to those who have helped you throughout the year. I made some very simple tree ornaments with “In Memory of Daniel” stamped on them and gave them to friends that first Christmas.

8. Decorate the grave. Put up a plastic Christmas tree with lights. Sometimes being busy with decorating the grave gives a feeling of doing something for a child we can no longer hold.

9. Do something in memory of your child. Donate to a charity or fund in his memory. Volunteer. My oldest daughter Rachel and I volunteer at the Hospice Tree of Remembrance each December and share memories of Daniel as we spend this time together.

10. If your bereavement support group has a special candle-lighting service to remember the children in your area who have died, attend it. Doing something in memory of your child with others who understand the pain these holidays hold can be therapeutic.

11. Spend time reflecting on what the season is about. Everyone around you may be frantic with attending parties, services, shopping and visiting relatives. Perhaps you used to be the same way. Now you may want to avoid some of the festivities. Give yourself permission to excuse yourself from them. Light a candle in your favorite scent. Record some thoughts in a journal. This is great therapy, too.

One day you will wake up and it will be January 2. The holidays will have ended. You will have made it. If you are like me, you will find that surviving the tinsel has made you stronger and although you may cry, somewhere within you, you will feel that core of new steel.

Reviews of Rain Song & How Sweet It Is

Rain song / Alice J. Wisler. LCCN 2008028123. Minneapolis, Minn.: Bethany
House, 2008.
PAP 0764204777, 9780764204777, $13.99
Fic 295 p. ; 22 cm.
Adult Rating: 4
Rain Song, the debut novel of Alice J. Wisler, offers a charming plot that is partially a mystery with overtones of a romance. The story centers on Nicole, who lives a solitary life which is focused around her interactions with her quirky southern relatives and caring for her aquarium of fish. Her life is filled with teaching middle school English and periodically writing an on-line column for Pretty Fishy. It is through her column that she becomes acquainted with Harrison who lives in Japan and owns a koi pond. Nicole has strong ties with Japan, having been born there to missionary parents; however, her mother tragically died there when Nicole was but a toddler. Nicole vows she will not return to the land of her birth, no matter that her correspondence with Harrison reveals he knew her as a child. Nicole begins to waver as the mystery of her mother’s death begins to unravel, and she tries to overcome her apprehensions of flying and returning to her birthplace.

Wisler’s style is captivating. The story unfolds as a soliloquy of sorts, as Nicole goes through life. Set in North Carolina, readers enjoy the cast of distinctive relatives, ranging from the matriarch Ducee to the wild child Monet. Each character adds to the story in such a way that the eccentricities add and not distract. Amid life’s emergencies such as an ailing grandmother and a cousin’s failing marriage there is quibbling over serving cucumber sandwiches at the family reunion luncheon and the need to make and provide pineapple chutney for all occasions. The heartbeat of the story is pineapple chutney, and the old family recipe is provided. Tender spiritual truths are present, mainly those dwelling on the strength of faith, even if it is just a seed. Gently-paced, this story was surprisingly a page-turner.
Pam Webb
From Christian Library Journal, August 2009

How sweet it is / Alice J. Wisler. Minneapolis: Bethany House, 2009. LCCN 2009004739
PAP: 0764204785, 9780764204784, $13.99
Fic 309 p. ; 22 cm.
Adult Rating: 4
Alice Wisler provides another likable heroine in her second novel, How Sweet It Is. Deena Livingston had been planning her wedding until her car accident. The accident left her with serious scars, both emotional and physical. In order to start over she leaves her comfortable job as a pastry chef at an upscale restaurant in Atlanta, Georgia, and moves into her grandfather’s North Carolina mountain cabin. The cabin and all its belongings will become hers, after she fulfills the will’s stipulation that she teach cooking at an after-school center. Upon arrival Deena is embraced by her flamboyant Aunt Regena Lorraine, who helps Deena move into her beloved father’s cabin. As Deena adjusts to her new life she realizes she is not the only one who carries scars. With the help of an Eagles-lyric spouting plumber, surly middle-schoolers, and the charming social worker, Deena decides life can once again become sweet.

Wisler’s first novel Rain Song showcased her ability for providing readers with an absorbing plot laced with a cast of memorable characters. Her second offering builds upon this talent, making the reader eager for her next novel. Her plot devices and character interactions breathe life into the Christian fiction genre. The only real holdback is the cover, which is embarrassingly saccharin in design. The content is definitely solid, and Wisler is a welcome addition in those writers who offer spiritual truths wrapped up in believable, contemporary settings.
Pam Webb
From Christian Library Journal, October-December 2009

Alice's Wonderland

Take a moment to check out my new column about writing from home, Alice's Wonderland: Writing from Home at Jill Hart's Christian Work at Home Moms website. At the end of my post, I ask readers to send me their reasons for not diving into their writing dreams. Take a moment to send me yours. But read the article first!

Rain Song: Interview & Chance to Win

Another opportunity to win an autographed copy of Rain Song! Simply read the author interview at this blog, and toss in your comments. It is that easy!

Novel Giveaway

Want a copy of Rain Song or How Sweet It Is? Then, follow these simple rules for the Win by Joining Contest for a novel giveaway!

Contest Rules:
1. The contest runs from November 13 till November 30.
2. During that time, if you haven't already, join the Alice J. Wisler Fan Club on Facebook. (Scroll down to click on the FB badge to the left of this page.)
3. Once you've joined, submit your name for the drawing by
answering the following question: How do you get away from it all?
What do you do to relax, have fun, or take a break from your daily routine? Submit your entry by posting below here (include an email address)or on Facebook at the Alice J. Wisler Fan Club page.
4. In December, those who have entered the contest, will have
their name placed in a drawing and one will be selected to win!
5. The prize is either an autographed copy of Rain Song or an autographed copy of How Sweet It Is.

TalkRadioBlog Tonight!

Join me, and host Sarah, at 9:40 PM tonight, November 10th, for Sisters on Assignment where we'll be discussing my second novel, How Sweet It Is.

Thanks to all who entered!

The Name Contest to name characters for my fourth novel has ended, and I was grateful to all 38 who entered! The winners are:
Sarah P. for the handsome American from Winston Salem, Carson
Shelly E. for the half Vietnamese, half American girl (Amerasian), Lien
and Carly K. for the aunt in Winston Salem who raises butterflies, Dovie

Thanks, to all who played this contest for my fourth novel. You will be acknowledged in the back of the book when the book comes out in 2011. Also, copies of Rain Song and How Sweet It Is (your choice) will be sent to you soon.

A Cup of Coffee

October, for me, will always be radiation month. My son Daniel was diagnosed with cancer in May, and by the fall, he was scheduled for radiation treatments every morning. For two weeks, after putting my six-year-old daughter on the school bus, my sons and I would make the trek to UNC-Hospital. After unbuckling both four-year-old Daniel and eleven-month-old Benjamin from their car seats, I would put Benjamin in a stroller. The three of us would enter the clinic. As we sat in the lobby, waiting for Daniel's turn for the tumor on his neck to be radiated, coffee in a Styrofoam cup, would be handed to me. I'd thank the hospital worker, an elderly man, and sip the hot beverage.

Soon Daniel would be called and taken into the small room for his treatment. Ben, usually content with a toy, and I'd wait in the lobby where I'd pray for all to go well. I also spent time thinking about buying winter clothes for Daniel; he'd outgrown all of his pants, and his next chemo treatments. I sometimes gave a little thought to my pregnancy; I was due in May.

While my thoughts during those chilly mornings changed, the coffee never did. Faithfully, each morning, the worker presented me with a cup. His name was Lawrence, although his name tag said Larry.

Daniel did get winter clothes, and a baby sister. But he never saw his sister as he died three months before her birth.

Now on October mornings, I think of that time at the clinic. Thirteen years later, I still remember the cups of coffee. I look back on that woman of thirty-five, pregnant, with a first grader, a toddler, and a cancer patient. I wonder how she coped. I do know that the kindness of a man who was once a stranger, continues to warm her spirit. He must have seen her coming that first day, fumbling with the front door, hair still damp from her hurried shower, and knew he had to help her in any way he could.

You never know how meaningful your acts of concern---even the simple ones---can be to someone. At the time you perform them, and, many years later.

Name Contest

Wouldn't you like to participate in a name those characters contest?
Here's your chance.

What I need for my fourth novel, set in North Carolina, are the following names:

1. Name for a 15-year-old girl who is half Vietnamese and half American
2. Name for a handsome 28-year-old American man from NC
3. Name for a 65-year-old aunt who raises butterflies in Winston Salem, NC

What to do? Simply send your suggestions to info@alicewisler.com by October 30th.

If your suggested name is chosen for the book, (right now the novel is tentatively titled A Wedding Invitation), you can choose your prize. Winners will receive
either a copy of:
Rain Song
or a copy of:
How Sweet It Is.

Winners will be notified by November 5.
Happy creating!

Rain Song in Canada

What fun it was to be on CHRI Radio in Canada yesterday!
Hear the whole broadcast by clicking on this link.

Thanks to Salem Storehouse in Ottawa for offering Rain Song at a discount this week.

Down the Cereal Aisle

Down the Cereal Aisle is not your ordinary cookbook. This book is a tribute to children who have died much too soon. Their loved ones have sent in recipes and memories so that all of us can now enjoy the treats these precious kids once enjoyed. Learn to make Amy's fruit cobbler and Ethan's frog-eyed salad.

The book also holds poetry as well as tips on parental bereavement. Get a copy today! Special offer from October 14 to October 31 is this:
Pay only for shipping/handling. (Down the Cereal Aisle retails for $12.95)
Send $4.00 checks to the address below:
Daniel's House Publications
201 Monticello Avenue
Durham, NC 27707